The Love Triangle - The Juggling and Balancing Act

For the next three years, I was admittedly with two men at once. I was with both my ex boyfriend and also my new long-distance boyfriend at the same time. I use the term "same time" and "boyfriend" here loosely. There was technically never "a same time" since one was local and was out of town. Also, in all due respect, they full well knew of one another.

I alternated between the two of them constantly and regularly. I would have a relationship locally with my ex and then would pick up and leave for weekends and holidays with my long-distance boyfriend too. Usually, when I was with one of them, the other was bombing my phone. There'd been times where my long-distance boyfriend became so incessant after I hadn't answered his phone calls for a few days that he got into his car and drove five hours to see me. On the flip side, there was a time where my long-distance boyfriend and I were spending a weekend together and my ex got drunk and went off on a whiny tirade of leaving me voicemail messages claiming to be driving drunk on the highway trying to find me. Obviously this was ridiculous since he had no idea where to find me once he found the city I was in.

Being with both of them at the same time eventually became overwhelming emotionally and mentally draining. Not only were they both relentlessly battling with me and themselves internally, they were in a battle with another that I couldn't stop. They both aggressively pursued me. They were both in some kind of arms race competition for my love and they were both relentless. I couldn't let either go though. They wouldn't fucking let me. No matter how hard I tried to push one away, they wouldn't allow it to happen.

My biggest problem was that I was in love with the both of them and both in different ways entirely. I loved my ex because we had history together. We grew up together. He was my first love and I was always going to be attached to him (so I thought). Mentally, he was tattooed in my head. However, on the flip side, my long-distance relationship was so fulfilling emotionally and sexually and it was impossible not to love him. He made me fall in love with him by no fault of his own. He was just such a good person. He was honest and kind and loving and affectionate. Nothing like what my ex was like. Although my ex boyfriend and had a connection, it wasn't nearly as affectionate or nurturing. He didn't take care of me. I felt a lot like my ex loved the way I loved him yet I loved the way my long-distance boyfriend loved ME.

Eventually the burden of the back and forth was too much for everyone. I found myself having to choose between the both of them more and more often and eventually it go to the point where my ex was completely hands off. Three years and he threw in the white towel. After years of trying and fighting, he had finally had enough. Our last few encounters were very emotionally driven and draining for him I think. I recall him telling me that sharing me was a "hard pill to swallow". Eventually he broke down and cried and begged as they had both frequently been doing already and that was that. He was finally out. I tried calling and texting and emailing him. I came to his house, knocked down his doors endlessly but that was it for him. We never spoke again and that was nearly a decade ago.

The Love Triangle - Part III

The stakes just went right up. My ex had been confronted with the truth. A reality he was obviously not ready to accept. After all the years of stringing me along and never being my boyfriend again, he was all of a sudden anything and everything I ever wanted and needed for him to be. I couldn't fucking believe it. My interest in something else was literally driving him insane. I had no idea I could have that affect on him.

My long distance boyfriend was incredible. He was the kindest, sweetest most genuinely caring and compassionate man you'll ever meet in your life. I couldn't believe a man like this even existed. He was so emotionally available and attentive and our sex was incredible. Even though I would come back to my own city and live my double life, I couldn't deny that the attention and love he showed me was raw, real and I couldn't help falling for him. It was impossible not to love him when he would literally do anything for you. It didn't hurt that I loved fucking his brains out for hours and hours and was extremely attracted to him.

The Love Triangle - Part II

And just like that, from three, we were down to two. Now, it was just my ex and my long distance, no longer a band stranger.

I was constantly between my ex, my long distance bf. There were ALWAYS several men in between which neither knew about but those two now filled me up emotionally. One day, my friend called me and told me she'd seen my ex and mentioned my long-distance bf to him. That marked the beginning, of the end.

When my ex heard that there was someone else in the picture, it wasn't the first time. However, it WAS the first time a man in my life other than had been referred to a as "boyfriend" out loud by someone else. I think he panicked. Immediately, the chase was on.

He was so anxiety stricken and concerned I would move on that he came at me full throttle. I had no idea what the fuck was happening. My head was spinning. I had never seen him be so attentive and so overly interested in me. It was a side of him I never really saw and I loved it.

He was calling me constantly, texting me all the time and wanted to me constantly. I was going to take all of it. I couldn't get enough. Nonetheless, my long-distance romance was always happening concurrently. A few weeks into my ex chasing me again, I remember we woke up in the morning together and I went to the bathroom. I came back in and the look on his face was something I had never seen. He immediately confronted me. He'd looked through my phone and found the constant exchanges of "I love you's" between me an my long distance boyfriend. I never forgot the look on his face or in his eyes. I knew what it was now. It was panic mixed with rage. 

The Love Triangle - Part I

On one of my manic filled adventures, I convinced my friends to get into my car and drive 90 miles per hour with me to another state five hours away to meet my precious "James". He was with the band I was a groupie for and they were playing that night; I was determined to meet the band. We made it over there and never made it inside to see the show or meet the band. I can't remember all that much now but my phone was dead and I randomly approached a stranger who's friend had been hollering at us from outside the event venue. He let me use his phone; I guess we exchanged numbers?

Somehow we'd exchanged a few text messages and IM's but as per usual, I was not engaged and bored and found he lived too far. I wasn't taking thing seriously. I was too busy getting high as shit with my very close male friend who'd I just recently met at the bar I was working at. My first night working, it was his birthday and he approached me and said "hey, do you want to go do some rails outside in my car?". I neverat bloomed into a very near and dear friendship to me that was very close. We spent tons of time together but we were on drugs CONSTANTLY. I was a naive twenty-four year old and he was a few years older but we got along like two peas in a pod. 

For several weeks and months I had my local companion whom I would get drunk and high with all the time. I had my ex who I was still seeing and sleeping with and of course, I had my band stranger entertaining me. This was my life for several months until eventually, me and the stranger I'd spoken to and completely used to make a phone call with were swapping countless text messages and spending all hours on the phone together. I was in a triangular relationship with three men who fulfilling different needs and had no idea what the hell was going on (at the time). In hindsight, I think since each man was fulfilling a different need in me I was completely feeling happy and content with my life at the time.

I was still seeing my ex who was entirely filling me up emotional said no to drugs so within seconds, I'd ditched my job to get high with a stranger outside. Thy. I was sleeping with my band stranger and talking to him; exchanging terms of endearment, having constant phone sex and swapping "I love you's", while my close companion was entertaining me regularly by hanging out with me and giving free drugs.

One night, my ever so respectful, attractive, wealthy, kind, compassionate, giving male companion told me he got us a hotel room to party in for the night. When we got to the hotel we had both done a cocktail buffet of anything and everything under the sun that was available to us that night. I remember us having a good time together, laughing as usual. Then things got a little hazy and he started asking to see my body. I had NO intentions of ever sleeping with him but for some reason, my immature innocence got the better of my judgement and I remember him seeing my body because he'd made a comment about how much thinner I was than he'd initially thought. Next I recall him asking to see my pussy and I said no. Next thing I know, his boxers are coming off and he's completely naked and he's got the most beautiful large and very well mans-caped man parts.

It was all very fast and very hazy but he and I were JUST friends and I never once considered sleeping with him. It was not even in my peripheral vision. I had no feelings for this man and there was no sexual chemistry between us. I had zero reservations about spending the night with him in a hotel.  Although I found him attractive, intelligent, funny and incredible, I was in way interested in ruining what I considered to be a very close and real friendship with this man. I remember telling him that he needed to get dressed and that it would ruin our friendship. Then I ran. I got into my car and recklessly and in drunken- drug induced and dazed state; drove my car home several miles away. We didn't talk much after that. He'd gotten married, had a child and then several years later; passed away from a drug overdose. RIP my angel.

My friend had never tried anything on me and had never once mentioned having sexual interest or any feelings for me for that matter. I was fucking twenty-four years old and completely ignorant to the fact that men and women cannot be friends. Something I strongly believe in to this day and will never stray from my position on ever since that incident.