In middle school, before puberty, I was very pretty. I had long dirty blonde hair and big green eyes. I was always told I was beautiful and boys always seemed to have crushes on me. I had a few "boyfriends" but I was between the ages of six to eleven so what did I really know?
I remember masturbating as early as six years old. I used to steal my mothers high heel shoes and put them on pretending to be a high class call girl hooker and humping pillows and blankets.
I remember my first boyfriend and I were in puppy love and had known each other since junior kindergarten. When he turned seven, he had a co-ed sleep over party that was a little on the naughty side. All the girls and boys french kissed in the dark in their sleeping bags and I was no exception.
Thinking back now, I remember having many obsessive thoughts about my boyfriend at the age of twelve who was the first boy I ever went down on. I thought about him constantly whether he was around or not and he was always on my mind. It wasn't abnormal for me to dwell on him for hours throughout the day and for a long-term period of time. When I was fourteen I had a similar feeling of infatuation for an older boy but was too shy to tell him how I felt although we did spend time together. I remember being at a hotel party one night with him in bed but nothing ended up happening between us and eventually my obsessive infatuation for him had come and gone.
I got my period at the age of twelve and after puberty hit, I gained quite a bit of weight and my breasts were a size DD. By the age of fourteen I had opted to have breast reduction surgery and my periods became very irregular.
Thinking back now, I really believe I was generally A-sexual during this period of time. I don't recall masturbating or having any general interest in sex or sexuality overall. In hindsight, I realize boys may have liked me and even had crushes on me but I was completely out to lunch and unaware or just didn't care or have any interest of feelings for them. I was too focused on smoking weed and getting drunk to notice anyway.
Showing posts with label The Wonder Years - Childhood Memories. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Wonder Years - Childhood Memories. Show all posts
Thursday, January 8, 2015
The Wonder Years - Childhood Memories - Part II
I had repressed many to all of my childhood memories and they only come to the surface when I reflect deeply and consistently over time. I sometimes have to ask my older sibling along with other family members to help me remember because I can't seem to remember or figure it all out on my own.
Until I went to school, I had spent all of my time with my mother who raised me and took care of me while my sibling who is four and a half years my elder was already in school at the time. I never had play dates. I remember sitting in front of the television watching my favorite cartoons like: She-Ra - The Princess of Power, He-Man, Spider Man, Transformers and Inspector Gadget. I was always just under my mother's care. I don't remember much during the period of time.
It was my first year of junior kindergarten. I had just turned four years old. It's a vague, faint memory now which I had repressed for years until just recently but I remember my mother walking me to school and dropping me off in my classroom. She began to leave me there and I recall bursting into hysterics. I was crying and begging my mother to stay and then I remember puking all over the classroom carpet.
I asked my mother and sister about this incident several months ago when I was forced to recall the memory and my mother says that she doesn't remember it happening but says she thinks it happened to my older sister and not to me. Incorrect. It was me. When I asked her if she had come back for me after leaving me hysterical in the classroom crying she replied "no".
That was it. It was the first trauma of childhood abandonment I can mentally recall. That must be where my fears and insecurities must have stemmed from; or so I believe. Over the months and years, I had consistent separation anxiety at school and my sister would have to be called down from her classes to calm me down.
I also experienced intense episodes of crying, anxiety and depression similar to this in my adolescent years at overnight camp and sleep overs. I remember being six years old and having been invited to my first sleep over at my then best friends house at the time. She lived about a fifteen minute walk away from my house down a long side street with houses that lead to a major intersection. It was six o'clock in the morning and I woke up in her room and she was still asleep. I remember panicking and getting my clothes on while the whole family was sleeping and left in my denim shorts. I walked home in the early hours of the morning and was so cold and scared that I urinated in my jean shorts on the walk back home. A three week summer sleep away camp two years in a row was a bust too. I cried for the entire three weeks each summer and wanted nothing but to go home. My separation anxiety was nerve racking.
I remember being in the first grade at school and there was a pretty and popular girl who everyone knew and liked. One day, I don't know why, but I recall her being very mean to me and ostracizing me from group play in the school yard at recess. I remember sitting on a bench far away from the other kids alone in a long winter jacket thinking about how lonely and sad I was that no one wanted to play with me and how I had no friends.
Until I went to school, I had spent all of my time with my mother who raised me and took care of me while my sibling who is four and a half years my elder was already in school at the time. I never had play dates. I remember sitting in front of the television watching my favorite cartoons like: She-Ra - The Princess of Power, He-Man, Spider Man, Transformers and Inspector Gadget. I was always just under my mother's care. I don't remember much during the period of time.
It was my first year of junior kindergarten. I had just turned four years old. It's a vague, faint memory now which I had repressed for years until just recently but I remember my mother walking me to school and dropping me off in my classroom. She began to leave me there and I recall bursting into hysterics. I was crying and begging my mother to stay and then I remember puking all over the classroom carpet.
I asked my mother and sister about this incident several months ago when I was forced to recall the memory and my mother says that she doesn't remember it happening but says she thinks it happened to my older sister and not to me. Incorrect. It was me. When I asked her if she had come back for me after leaving me hysterical in the classroom crying she replied "no".
That was it. It was the first trauma of childhood abandonment I can mentally recall. That must be where my fears and insecurities must have stemmed from; or so I believe. Over the months and years, I had consistent separation anxiety at school and my sister would have to be called down from her classes to calm me down.
I also experienced intense episodes of crying, anxiety and depression similar to this in my adolescent years at overnight camp and sleep overs. I remember being six years old and having been invited to my first sleep over at my then best friends house at the time. She lived about a fifteen minute walk away from my house down a long side street with houses that lead to a major intersection. It was six o'clock in the morning and I woke up in her room and she was still asleep. I remember panicking and getting my clothes on while the whole family was sleeping and left in my denim shorts. I walked home in the early hours of the morning and was so cold and scared that I urinated in my jean shorts on the walk back home. A three week summer sleep away camp two years in a row was a bust too. I cried for the entire three weeks each summer and wanted nothing but to go home. My separation anxiety was nerve racking.
I remember being in the first grade at school and there was a pretty and popular girl who everyone knew and liked. One day, I don't know why, but I recall her being very mean to me and ostracizing me from group play in the school yard at recess. I remember sitting on a bench far away from the other kids alone in a long winter jacket thinking about how lonely and sad I was that no one wanted to play with me and how I had no friends.
In the process of trying to open up repressed memories when I hit rock bottom, I asked my sister about what she remembered about my childhood years and other than her recalling having to come down to my classes regularly tp calm my nerves because of my uncontrollable crying and anxiety, she recalled me once telling her something that made her heart sink even as a child just a few years older than me.
She told me that one day her and I were playing a game at home and I had told her that I had no friends. It was ironic because even three decades later my internal experience still felt exactly the same. It was eerie and sent chills down my spine.
The Wonder Years - Childhood Memories - Part I
I think about my childhood over and over and over again but to no avail. I have very little memory of my younger years. I once remember hearing someone say that their first memory is from when they were four years of age but I can't seem to go back that far and remember anything from those innocent years of my life.
I recall having a good childhood. I had an older sibling and we close growing up. Both my parents were around and grandparents too. I wasn't abused sexually, physically or emotionally. I wasn't poor, starving or living on the streets. We were a normal, middle class family who took family vacations every year, had friends and loved ones and were close overall.
I recall looking through family albums and seeing album after album of family photos. Always smiling, always laughing. As I think closely now, there's only one photograph I've seen of myself as an infant and my father holding me in one hand about a foot away from his face and body. I recall seeing no photographs of my mother holding me.
I don't ever remember my mother or father holding me, hugging me, kissing me or ever telling me that they loved me. We never used those words or any gestures of emotional intimacy. It was normal though. Growing up, I never once questioned the lack of emotional connection and just assumed that was the norm, Our family showed us love in other ways. My father was hard-working and my mother was a stay at home mom. She cooked, cleaned, took care of the kids and home and my dad went to work and made all the money.
I recall having a good childhood. I had an older sibling and we close growing up. Both my parents were around and grandparents too. I wasn't abused sexually, physically or emotionally. I wasn't poor, starving or living on the streets. We were a normal, middle class family who took family vacations every year, had friends and loved ones and were close overall.
I recall looking through family albums and seeing album after album of family photos. Always smiling, always laughing. As I think closely now, there's only one photograph I've seen of myself as an infant and my father holding me in one hand about a foot away from his face and body. I recall seeing no photographs of my mother holding me.
I don't ever remember my mother or father holding me, hugging me, kissing me or ever telling me that they loved me. We never used those words or any gestures of emotional intimacy. It was normal though. Growing up, I never once questioned the lack of emotional connection and just assumed that was the norm, Our family showed us love in other ways. My father was hard-working and my mother was a stay at home mom. She cooked, cleaned, took care of the kids and home and my dad went to work and made all the money.
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