I had
several “best friends” over the course of my childhood and into my adolescence.
I remember having several if not numerous, very fulfilling and positive
experiences with all of these a large number of girls and boys alike.
I didn’t
lie or cheat, but I do remember stealing and being a bad influence in some way
or another. I got several of my friends into trouble with school and parents. It was never anything serious or even worth
mentioning really. I stole random things and I would convince kids to break
rules and leave school property when we weren’t supposed to. We used to call
sex lines and sometimes we’d call the suicide help line and threaten to kill
ourselves before hanging up. It seemed funny at the time. I would pick up and
hit on construction workers when I was ten and landed myself in the principal’s
office so many times, I’d lost count. I got kicked out of the school play for
pulling some boys pants down in the school yard. I was also told I was exceptionally
“bossy” and “mean” (i.e.; a bitch) as per teachers and other students and I had
a very big mouth and attitude. Surprisingly, I was never suspended and had a
large group of friends and followers over the years. I even considered myself a
“social butterfly” of sorts. Overall though, I recall general good times like sleepovers,
lots of laughing, spending time with friends’ family and loved ones. I remember
being a good friend too and parents seemed to love me. I was very good at being
“bad” in private but “good” in public. Even back then I was a chameleon whenever
I wanted or needed to being the second grade, I was told by my much older and
very attractive male teacher that I was “charismatic”. His words always resonated
with me. I was so young and yet my charm
came so naturally to me that even adults couldn’t see the act.
Aside from
all that, what is most curious is just the sheer volume of these friendships
that I had with girls that came and went. I never realized or thought about it
at the time but how could someone have people in their lives and then not have
them in their lives and not give a damn? Somehow though, all these close friendships
that I had with these people would in some way or another would just disappear and
dissolve after some length of time. We’d somehow grow apart and eventually go
our separate ways. There was never any animosity or hostility about jumping
from friendship to friendship over the years. It was normal and I never really
ever questioned it. Nor did I ever think about or dwell on it. Once someone was
out of my life, they were almost immediately out of my mind as well. I don’t
think I ever really cared or even noticed to be honest. It all seemed normal at
the time.
The very
first time I ever recall feeling discomfort or minimal angst over a friendship
ending was with a girl I was exceptionally close with in middle school. I
remember us being so incredibly close that I might even possibly say she was
the first female friend I ever “loved”. I didn’t know it then but in hindsight,
now I do. I remember buying her a McDonalds lunch one day before I was coming
over to her house to hang out and I felt happy doing something nice for her. It
made me feel good.
We were inseparable
for several months and even possibly a few years. Days, nights, evenings and
weekends were spent hanging out together at her place. We’d go to concerts and parties
together. We had countless sleep overs and spent hours talking on the phone too.
When we weren’t together at after school, we together at school or with mutual
girl and guy friends somewhere doing just about anything and everything. Then,
one day, at random, out of nowhere, at school one day, she approached me with
two other “friends” of ours who were newer to our “crew” but I had known for
even longer than I had known her. It was like a fucking scene out of “Mean Girls”.
They cornered me and all three ganged up on me for no reason. I was completely blind-sided.
Apparently, the two other girls heard how I “talked shit” about them all and
all told my “best friend” all the things I had apparently said about her. I
even apparently called the anorexic girl in the squad “fat” too.
Needless to
say it was completely unwarranted and untrue. I was in middle school and
surprisingly I was honest and I considered myself a good friend with no ill
will or bad intentions. I don’t remember if I was “hurt” but I do remember it
bothered me afterwards. We were never nearly (all) as close after that but it
was definitely the first time in my life I had “cared” that someone was gone
from my life. I wasn’t ready for the friendship to end and although I didn’t
cry or dwell or try to make amends, it annoyed me.
I will come
back to this in some of my later posts but in my late teen years and into my
mid-twenties, I had a friend who told me a story I had no recollection of from back
when we were both in elementary school. She told me that we had a school field trip
a few miles away from school one winter where we went to a skating rink during
school hours. She told me that her and I had buddied up and then I just
blatantly ditched her at the arena and never even looked her way again once I
was there or once we’d left to go back to the school. This obviously really
hurt her feelings as she’d reminded me of it about ten years later. I
apologized but inside, I didn’t remember nor did I care. I assumed I should’ve
felt bad but I likely would’ve done it to her again if the opportunity arose
for something better. I guess others’ wouldn’t have done something that seemed
so cruel and heartless but I didn’t see anything wrong with it and I left no
guilt or remorse either. I assume since she’d waited over a decade to tell me
about it, it obviously stayed with her for some length of time. My apology was
empty but I assumed that’s what I should do as seeing her sad pathetic facial
expression filled with obvious emotion gave me a hint that this was something
she felt I did wrong and she never forgot about.
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