The Teenage Years - My First Love - Part III

I had a guy friend who was my ex-boyfriends arch nemesis. My ex was so jealous and insecure about this guy but I was a dumb little girl and didn't understand the concept of "insecurity" until many, many years later.

A few months after losing my virginity, my guy friend offered to drive me to work one day. I never had this feeling before in my entire life. It was almost literally somewhat of a foreign concept to me. I knew what I was feeling and why, but I really realized I'd never felt that before in my entire life. That was the first time I ever recall feeling "bad" for something I had done. I felt remorse and I felt real guilt. It was so overwhelming because of my undying devotion and commitment to my boyfriend who I was madly and deeply in love with, that I had to come clean. I had done something so very wrong because there's no way I could feel something this strong and overpowering if it were anything else but wrong. I felt "guilty". What did I feel guilt and remorse for? I let a male friend drive me to work and I didn't tell my boyfriend about it.

Nine months into my "official" relationship with my boyfriend but about a year or so into the inseparable friendship and spending every waking moment together, unbeknownst to me, it was all about to come to an abrupt and bitter end.

One mid summer night, I just had date night with the love of my life. He dropped me off at home just in time to make my midnight curfew which I never broke and uttered the words I loved hearing before kissing me good night. "I love you" he said, before I left the car. "I love you too" I replied. The next day, it was business as usual, I would wake up earlier than him so he would always call me when he was up and awake mid-afternoon. We made plans like any other day. He picked me up but something was different. Something was wrong. It wasn't a long conversation I don't think and there weren't too many details but it was happening. He was breaking up with me. He said he thought we needed a break and that we just fought a bit too much. I will be honest when I say I don't recall any fights unless it was about an ex of his or his insecurities about my guy friend. Other than that, I thought everything was dandelions and candy colored corn with rose colored glasses on. I was entirely blind-sided. I hadn't ever seen this one coming. How could someone tell you they loved you not less than twenty hours ago and now they're telling you that they don't want to be with you any more? It made no sense.

I remember him walking me into my condo lobby and there a song playing on the radio to which I still cringe at every time I hear it now. The "break-up" song as I call it. We hugged in a long embrace and I remember thinking to ask if we could have sex one more time but didn't. And just like that, I was single.

The next day came and I waited for my morning phone call; still him speaking in his groggy half awake yet I'm still half asleep voice. But it never came. Then another day and another until a whole week had gone by and there was no contact. I was taking drivers ed courses during this time-frame every Saturday afternoon and I remember being so physically ailed, I was unable to eat a sandwich I had packed for lunch for myself. I realized at that moment in time that my whole life was about to change and nothing was ever going to be the same again.

The Teenage Years - My First Love - Part II

We had been officially dating and committed for three months now and I quickly realized that I had never been in a relationship; really. I never really had "boyfriends" and had no concept or context to relate to as a baseline for what it meant to be a girlfriend and have a boyfriend.

I never realized how good being physically close and connected to someone could feel. I was falling fast and I was falling hard. Not only was I best friends with someone who I really liked and enjoyed, but we were doing things physically and emotionally that was mostly all foreign to me.

I don't remember how it happened now, although you'd think that being told "I love you" for the first time by a guy who you knew meant every word of it would be memorable. I do definitely remember not being the one to say it first but when I said it back, I fucking meant it. I'm surprised I don't remember every single detail of every single moment of every single day because I was seriously in love with this person and I knew it. Up until that point in my life, I recognized I didn't know what it meant to feel "love". Just just be "in love" but feel "love" for someone.

I knew I loved my family but this was different. I was in love, and this was very, very, very real. I never wanted to do something for someone so much until that point in my life. I would do anything and everything for this person. I consistently put him and his needs ahead of mine and it felt good. It felt so right and so very natural. I couldn't believe how altruistic and loving I could be to someone and vice-versa. It was magical. I was in love with my best friend and he was in love with me and things couldn't be better.

Three months into the relationship and one week after my sixteenth birthday, I was ready to "give it up". I was ready to lose my virginity. I knew he'd be the one and it couldn't have felt any more right or perfect with him. We'd already exchanged I love you's and fooled around in other ways. Now it was time to get my cherry popped. My mother was a huge proponent of "no sex before marriage" because she married my father at nineteen and he was her first. She prided herself on that and ensured that my sister and I knew about it. She was very stern in her "prude" moral code and I was a naive and immature teenager who lived in a bubble. Regardless, I figured this was close enough and had sex for the first time with the my first love. The love of my life; or so I thought.

The Teenage Years - My First Love - Part I

I regularly started smoking cigarettes at the tender age of twelve. In addition, I spent the majority of my young adulthood getting drunk in parks and smoking weed with friends. We spent days hanging out in groups; loitering and nights in parks, stairwells and garages.

As I mentioned before, with the exception of a pseudo-boyfriend at the age of twelve or thirteen who I fooled around with, I mostly A-sexual. I really had no interest in the opposite sex at all. I wasn't gay or even bi-sexual. I liked men. I just didn't have any physical, mental or emotional interest in them. I only had "friends".

When I was fifteen years old, I had started school at a new high school and met a group of boys through a girl friend of mine. I began to hang out with the "boys" constantly. It was always the group of guys and "me". I wasn't a tom-boy though. I never felt like a boy, dressed like a boy or liked boys sexually but I always "fit in" with the boys. I smoked, I drank alcohol, I swore, I liked weed and hash and generally men seemed smarter and more engaging. I think this is the reason boys took to me too. Not only was I a very well endowed young woman with large tits, but I was funny and I laughed at all the jokes and kept the guys entertained.

By this point, we'd literally spent the entire summer together on a daily basis. One night, I came over to my friends house before all his boys were to come over and hang out for the night. I can't recall exactly how or why this began but I remember laying on his couch on belly, back up and him giving me a massage. I don't really remember thinking much of it but only a few weeks later, he and I were alone again at a school parking lot late one night alone in his car. We got out of the car and started making out, standing up as he leaned with his back against his car. I remember putting my hand down his pants because he was wearing sweats and it was easy access and his dick was like a foreign object to me. With the exception of my "encounter" three years before, I really never saw or felt a cock before. It surprised me that it pointed upward out of his pants when he was erect.

And that was that, the night ended with a hand-job and a goodnight but it opened the flood gates to something I had never experienced before in my life and wouldn't soon forget. As September 1st came just a few weeks after that and we were started school he said to me ... "Since school starts tomorrow, I was hoping to draft you." Knowing his keen choice of words and witty personality, I knew this meant he was asking me to be his girlfriend.