The Teenage Years - The Break-Up - Part II

Au natural. I spent the whole summer healing from a pain so massive it felt like the loss of a loved one. I couldn't attribute my sorrow and despair to anything else I had ever felt in my life with the exception of the loss of a grandparent four years prior. That pain was bad but it was on no comparable scale with regards to magnitude, length of time and impact to my mentally, emotionally, physically, physiologically and spiritually. This was a kind of "broken" I never even dare dreamed existed.

The school year began just after I had lost all my weight and had cried less than usual. It was the first time we would be seeing each other since the break-up. The day came and there he was. We made eye contact as he was coming in and I was going out and just like that, I ignored him. I turned my head and kept walking. I never looked back.

We ended up having a class together. It wasn't easy but I pretended like I didn't care and it didn't bother me; but it did. It killed me. I would do anything and everything possible to get his attention without talking to him or making any moves. Whether it was in class, at school or at some function. I made my presence and I always made it known. I befriended his friends and ex-girlfriend(s). I tried to manipulate any one he had contact with past and present just so I could keep tabs on him and be wherever he was without showing him how much I still cared and how badly I wanted to be noticed and wanted again.

I can't remember how long this went on but eventually we began to start "talking" again. We'd always pick up right where we left off. I would sleep over, we would hang out, a few weeks or months would go by and the cycle would start and end again. Some times it was weeks of "not talking" and then there were only "days". I think I remember there being a year (yes, a whole twelve months) of us "not talking" but whenever we did, it was like we never stopped.

I did my best to never call him and stay out his life because we never ever talked about getting back together or ever uttered the words "I love you" to each other again. It was never just sex though. In hindsight, I had realized it was really never ever ever even about sex. It was about "human contact", it was about "friendship" and it was about "connection". For me any way.

From the age of sixteen to the age of twenty three, I had never slept with any one other than my ex. He and I never spoke about "other people" during this time-period but we always maintained contact. Physically and emotionally. I realize now how stupid and naive I must've been to think he wasn't fucking other girls all those years. For me though, I never slept with anyone because not only was I obsessed with him and still madly, deeply in love with him, I was A-sexual again. I had zero interest in other people and I was always "dealing" with him in some way or another so maybe my ignorance always thought eventually he would just confess his undying love for me.

He knew he had complete and utter control over me in every and any way. Although he was smart and manipulative, he was never "dishonest". There were never any discussions about relationship commitments or getting back together. I always maintained contact whenever possible and would drop anything at any given moment to be with him but he never really took advantage of me. I was always a very willing participant in just about any of the sorted details of our years of what ended up being a very complicated relationship.

I was so insecure that he didn't love me anymore that I was petrified to ever say or do anything that would risk him telling me he didn't love me. So I never once told him that I loved him after we'd broken up or vice-versa. Not for about seven years any way.

One night, I was on a random date with some guy at a pizza parlor and low and behold, my ex walks right into the same restaurant as we were at. He and I had literally never once been to that place, that area or that restaurant together and it was entirely serendipitous that he caught me. I couldn't believe his reaction. His jealousy and insecurity was off the charts. I was actually pretty shocked about it to say the least. I had no idea anything of the sort would rattle him the way it did.

We weren't "together" and we were not "committed". We only intermittently communicated on his terms and times of interest and engagement. This relationship dynamic continued for several years. The "unofficial" so-called "on and off" romance of what we'd coined as "talking" and "not talking" continued for what seemed like forever.

The Teenage Years - The Break-Up - Part I

I finally got a phone call after some few weeks of no contact. I remember it being a hot, sunny and bright summer day outside and I lay on my bed weeping after hours of non-stop crying and pain. All of a sudden, the phone rang. I answered it and it was him. He asked me how I was doing and I told him I was okay. I was doing fine. I never once uttered what kind of emotional despair and turmoil I was experiencing. I was too strong and too proud to ever let him know I was hurting. My only question was why I hadn't heard from him and he dropped the bombshell on me. He didn't think it was a good idea if he and I stayed friends. It would be too hard for the both of us and we wouldn't be able to move on. It was a bad idea. He was sorry.

I spent the next weeks and months trying to understand what the fuck I was feeling and how the fuck I was going to get through this pain, sorrow and heartache. He was my best friend and he abandoned me. Just left me. His friends were my friends. He was all I had. He was my whole life; my whole world and he was also the reason it crumbled and came down crashing. "What was a little desert without rain?", I thought. Everyone has disagreements. How was I going to get by losing my boyfriend and my best (and what I felt like) was my only friend at the same time?

For four straight months, I cried every single day. I didn't just shed a tear or two, I wailed and sobbed and grieved in despair for hours on end. I didn't eat any more. I lost about forty pounds in about six weeks. I was a shell of my former self (but I looked fucking great). My mother was beside herself. One day, instead of trying to communicate, console and support me like any other (normal) parent would've done, she forced herself into my bedroom unannounced with a muffin in hand. She tackled me on my bed and began yelling at me uncontrollably and forcefully feeding me this muffin I so desperately wanted nothing to do with. It became a struggle and eventually an altercation of unkind words and loud voices. She left the room and there were crumbs everywhere.

Mornings were always by far the worst. I would always wake up with this crippling physical pain in my mid section that I can only describe as knots, punches and kicks from inside. I had no idea what this feeling was. I had never experienced it before in my life and it was debilitating. I began to go to sleep as late (or early in the morning) as possible at night because nights were easier. I spent all night awake watching television because my tears, pain and discomfort had finally subsided and learned that it helped me sleep in much later in the day. No matter how late I would sleep, the pain was always there when I woke up. Sometimes I felt like I was waking up from an excruciatingly painful and scary nightmare but in my waking hours, it was always the nightmare continued.

What I didn't know then, I know now. It was "anxiety". I learned very quickly that if I immediately distracted myself from the pain in my body, it would help for short spurts of time. I would go to work and in between sessions of uncontrollable crying and pain, I felt better. I also noticed that making plans with just about any one and leaving the house immediately to go about distractions was helpful too. I spent the entire summer naturally healing my pain. No drugs, no alcohol, no sex, no men, no partying, no travel and no medication.

The Teenage Years - My First Love - Part III

I had a guy friend who was my ex-boyfriends arch nemesis. My ex was so jealous and insecure about this guy but I was a dumb little girl and didn't understand the concept of "insecurity" until many, many years later.

A few months after losing my virginity, my guy friend offered to drive me to work one day. I never had this feeling before in my entire life. It was almost literally somewhat of a foreign concept to me. I knew what I was feeling and why, but I really realized I'd never felt that before in my entire life. That was the first time I ever recall feeling "bad" for something I had done. I felt remorse and I felt real guilt. It was so overwhelming because of my undying devotion and commitment to my boyfriend who I was madly and deeply in love with, that I had to come clean. I had done something so very wrong because there's no way I could feel something this strong and overpowering if it were anything else but wrong. I felt "guilty". What did I feel guilt and remorse for? I let a male friend drive me to work and I didn't tell my boyfriend about it.

Nine months into my "official" relationship with my boyfriend but about a year or so into the inseparable friendship and spending every waking moment together, unbeknownst to me, it was all about to come to an abrupt and bitter end.

One mid summer night, I just had date night with the love of my life. He dropped me off at home just in time to make my midnight curfew which I never broke and uttered the words I loved hearing before kissing me good night. "I love you" he said, before I left the car. "I love you too" I replied. The next day, it was business as usual, I would wake up earlier than him so he would always call me when he was up and awake mid-afternoon. We made plans like any other day. He picked me up but something was different. Something was wrong. It wasn't a long conversation I don't think and there weren't too many details but it was happening. He was breaking up with me. He said he thought we needed a break and that we just fought a bit too much. I will be honest when I say I don't recall any fights unless it was about an ex of his or his insecurities about my guy friend. Other than that, I thought everything was dandelions and candy colored corn with rose colored glasses on. I was entirely blind-sided. I hadn't ever seen this one coming. How could someone tell you they loved you not less than twenty hours ago and now they're telling you that they don't want to be with you any more? It made no sense.

I remember him walking me into my condo lobby and there a song playing on the radio to which I still cringe at every time I hear it now. The "break-up" song as I call it. We hugged in a long embrace and I remember thinking to ask if we could have sex one more time but didn't. And just like that, I was single.

The next day came and I waited for my morning phone call; still him speaking in his groggy half awake yet I'm still half asleep voice. But it never came. Then another day and another until a whole week had gone by and there was no contact. I was taking drivers ed courses during this time-frame every Saturday afternoon and I remember being so physically ailed, I was unable to eat a sandwich I had packed for lunch for myself. I realized at that moment in time that my whole life was about to change and nothing was ever going to be the same again.