Channeling My Inner WHORE - Part I

I was in my last year of College and I started to notice some serious changes in me. I had suddenly shed an exceptional amount of weight, guys were constantly hitting on me and trying to fuck me, I was still always “dealing” with my ex but now I was always out meeting other guys.

It was this same time that my friends and I started partying very heavily. We were regular club goers and were getting drunk on a weekly basis. Essentially it began as weekends only and then eventually progressed to nightly too.

At this time, I began to experiment with harder drugs which I hadn’t been into in my younger years. When everyone was snorting coke, popping ecstasy and doing bumps of K and Crystal, I was too “scared”. I was in College and I was totally on the straight and narrow. I stopped smoking weed because of a bad experience years prior and it made me much too paranoid and brought back vivid flashbacks which deterred me from being interested. Believe or not, I was actually focused on my studies and my friends were pretty boring. They’d go out for “coffee” and “dessert” on the weekends. Yawn right?

Anyway, as my crowd changed, so did my interests. I was hard partying with anything and everything under the sun. I was getting drunk and high and working out. I was driving fast on highways and staying out all hours of the night. I was working at seedy strips clubs and bars selling shooters and drinks and I loved every fucking minute of it.

I also loved the male attention that all this was brining to me. I had sex with new guys weekly. I was fucking everyone and I was on cloud nine. I had never been physically or sexually connected to the male species like I was now and it was intoxicating. The way that men wanted me was something I had never experienced before and I wanted them just as badly. I was “in love”, “obsessed” and “infatuated” with just about everybody. I would meet them, fall for them, fuck their brains out, have them want me and then I would move on to the next guy I met who I now wanted more than the last. Once I had moved on, it was done. I was never one to go back to something I had once left and as my friends and I coined it, I did not have any interest in “the three R’s”. I was not one to “re-use, reduce or recycle”.

Any time I had interest in a man there was almost always interest in return. In fact, I can’t remember a time when a man I wanted didn’t want me back; at least physically any way. I was so in to these guys that any time I slept with them, I would have orgasm after orgasm and I would fuck them like a porn star. It was never a secret that I loved sex. I was always very sexual with my ex-boyfriend and our sex was never an issue with us. I was passionate, dirty, open, adventurous and I was aggressive too. I was very actively engaged in sex and even quite controlling. I always liked being on top the best and I always came. ALWAYS.

Adulthood - Fabulous New Beginings

I was twenty-three and had recently been diagnosed with a condition which affected me in some ways that were very impacting. It turns out that I wasn’t A-sexual after all. It seems that my condition was directly affecting my sex drive and issues with weight and regularity of periods. It was hormonal. After I was put on medication to mediate the problem, I literally shed over twenty pounds in no time.

I always yo-yo’d with my weight over the years but I believe it to be partly due to my condition and partly due to poor diet. Once I shed all that weight and began realizing what “skinny” meant, I was doing anything and everything in my power to maintain that. I started working out heavily, starving, purging and restricting. In elementary school, while all the kids would eat lunch, I wouldn’t. I starting doing the same thing and being “ano” was THE thing and it worked like a charm.

Anyway, my girlfriend and I had decided to take a trip abroad together. When we got to our destination, it was all sun, drinks and bikinis. Needless to say we were very attractive, thin and ready to have a good time. I had always partied hard before with alcohol but this time was different. This time, men were all over me like white on rice; left right and center. I couldn’t push them off of me fast enough. I was like a testosterone magnet and I was fucking loving it. It was the first time that I ever had man after man after man hitting on me. It was wonderful and it was defied all logic.

Over the years, it never once dawned on me that I was never really truly hit on consistently. I had a few guys show interest in me and when I was partying I was always around guys but seldom were they sexually showing any interest. It was the first time I had realized what being “thin” and “beautiful” meant in this world. Everything in this world is about sex, except for sex. It’s about POWER.

On our trip, I immediately fell for a “love at first sight”, “head over heels” situation when I saw a local that I was incredibly hot for. It had never really occurred to me before that I was never really about animal attraction but I was now. I felt sexual intensity. I was horny and I needed to fuck this man. Apparently he felt it too because as soon as our eyes locked in the middle of the day, it continued on into the night at a night club where he stuck his hands up my skirt and fondled my pussy with his bare hands whilst I wore no panties. The next day, we met in the sauna on site and he fucked my brains out in the day time heat of the sun and spa. There it was, I had finally fucked someone new. After six years of fucking the same man, I had turned over a new leaf.

I can’t remember now if I already knew or not (I think I did but clearly didn’t care as usual) but his wife was there visiting him while he fucked me. She was probably sitting at the pool while he banged me too.

Adulthood - Growing Up - Part III

They say "keep your friends close and your enemies even closer" right? Well that's what I did. I secretly hated this cunt whore of a bitch and I didn't trust her as far as I could throw her but she wasn't going to get away with fucking me over. I would rather have spent every waking moment befriending her than ever allow her out of my sight.

Back in the day when I used to semi-stalk my ex, I befriended his ex-girlfriend who I hated because I was jealous of. But if she could provide with me with any kind of information and thought wholeheartedly for any one second that I was really her friend, I would take the opportunity. I later learned that I wasn't as smart as I thought after-all. Turns out her loyalty was still with him and even though she'd drop information every once in a while, I found out later that they'd still fucked at some point in time and for some length of time.

When I was just broken up with, there was someone I knew from elementary school who (I'm still good "friends" with even up until today) was very attractive but posed a threat. I had found out that he had asked her out on a "date" immediately after we'd broken up. So I quickly befriended her and manipulated her into providing me with details of their relationship and date and immediately manipulated her into believing his friend was a much better suitor for her. She took the bate. Nothing ever came of them.

My ex and his boys were also very close with another girl from my past. The friend who I used to pick up construction workers with in elementary school. I quickly re-kindled our friendship to ensure my army of informants was being built up in numbers. It also helped that one of my other friends was step-cousins with my ex too so I had information coming at me at all angles. Lastly, my ex had an old buddy who introduced me to his then girl friend. We hate each other the first day we met but then bonded quickly over a drunken night. My ex and him are no longer in contact and hadn't been for years but ironically, I'm still very "close" with both these ladies today too.

Needless to say, I stalked my so-called "friends" house along with my ex's house too. All hours of the day and night I would consistently do what we'd eventually coin the term as "drive-bys". This consisted of driving past any and every place possibly known to man that he or she or he and she could or would be spotted together.

None of my other friends ever understood how I would or could maintain contact and a relationship with her but no one really knew or understood what I was up to. I wasn't just driving by houses, parks, parking lots and venues. I was breaking into voicemail boxes and checking voicemails consistently. I knew that every time her phones text notification was going off it was him and I would want to fucking strangle her until her bulging lazy eye popped out of its socket but I waited patiently because I knew once I was "out of her life" any minor guilt she had felt would be gone and I didn't want them to end up together.

He and I were not on speaking terms during this time period and so it was always focused on her only. He and I were "not talking" so therefore she was my only "in". He was off limits. Shit finally hit the fan after months and months of me knowing and suspecting things. I listened to a voicemail he had left for her about them being in the same vacation spot together and I knew it was more than sex. It fucking killed me but I didn't step down or allow it to break me. The final straw was me driving by her place once night and seeing them in an embrace together in his car the night before she was slated to go off on some trip abroad. They both saw me and the cat was finally out of the bag. She tried to apologize and make amends; even calling me from the airport before boarding her flight but I was done. It was over and none of us could ever deny any of it any longer. She was cut off and I wanted nothing to do with her any more.

Adulthood - Growing Up - Part II

Just after graduating from College, my group of gal pals at the time were taking a trip to Mexico. I had never been away before and especially not with friends. I had just turned twenty one at the time and these girls were all about the club and party scene. Unfortunately, since my depression had long disappeared, so had fabulous and sexy anorexic body type.

Regardless, I was going on the trip. There was just one small issue. One of my crew "best friends" had all of sudden become exceptionally close and chummy with my ex boyfriend. The ex boyfriend that every single one of my so-called "friends" knew of and knew very well from past and present. We all knew one another from years ago.

One night, over an online game of backgammon my friend and I were chatting and she nonchalantly mentioned that my ex had "dropped by" her place to "hang out" in her drive way. An immediate red flag went off. I wasn't of the "jealous" type per se but I was extremely possessive and territorial and I was no fucking idiot either. Or so I thought. He and I had been "on and off" for at least five years at this point and it was obvious I still had very strong feelings for him. She maintained they were nothing more than friends and she was doing nothing wrong. Her and some other crew members had known each other for a long time before her and I became "close" she maintained.

Mexico came and went and for the first time in my life, I "whored" myself. I was the "kissing slut of Cancun". I loved every minute of it. I was alone with three other attractive women for a week during spring break and this was me letting loose on a whole new level. I didn't even know this kind of personal entertainment existed. It was exhilarating. The girls would egg and cheer me on and I lost count of the amount of guys I made out with that week.

When we returned back from our trip, something strange happened. My ex had called me out on all the things I had done on my trip. I knew immediately where the information was coming from. My vacation secrets were being shared from my backstabbing bitch of a "friend" to the man I still claimed to love and care about.

That wasn't the only thing being shared. It turns out that my "friend" was sharing a lot more than secrets with him. She was fucking him and I eventually found out from her that it was much more than just sex. Apparently there were feelings involved. This went on for a very long period of time right under my nose and behind my back and I let it happen. The other friends knew but had never told me. I learned very quickly after this whole blowout what "friendship" and "loyalty" really meant and I knew I never had any of it.

Adulthood - Growing Up - Part I

I was in my last year of high school and graduating early because of my age, birthday and surprisingly, because of my ex.

In the period of our cyclical relationship dynamic, he promised to take no classes with me during one period of the day but ended up taking a class instead. In lieu of spending that gap of time alone, I decided to join him in his class and what do you know? I ended up getting more credits faster and being able to fast track into College a year ahead of all my friends.

"Friends".... I use this term very loosely now. Back then, I thought I had it made. I was completely out of the depression and constant state of intense rage and anger that the break-ups depression had brought on me. The dark cloud of pain, sadness and anger had dissipated. The strained relationship with my immediate family, especially with that of my mother, that the bitterness of despair had cast on me and caused me to withdraw mentally and emotionally had lifted. My ex was inconsistently back in life for several years and I was happy take whatever I could get.

I began to get my "social butterfly" skills back and became the same chameleon I always was. Happy, laughing, intelligent and fun. I think back now and realize how ignorant, arrogant, egotistical and narcissistic I was to believe I knew it all and had it made, but they do say that ignorance is bliss.

I had a large array of friends to choose from at any given moment in time. A crew here, a squad there. I became particularly entwined with a group of girls who led me in the right direction so to speak. They "drank" and smoked "cigarettes" but for the most part, they were all on the straight and narrow. Smart and intelligent and came from good, loving homes and families. They were going to College the next year and since I was a year early, I was going to do the same.

I was led down the right path and I attribute a lot of that to them. I always worked and was surprisingly a little "too" careful with my money. My parents were always very frugal and I learned to save money very quickly. Not only did I enjoy making it. I was good at making it. I worked my ass off as much as possible at any and every job possible and I went to school full-time.

I had started classes and they were overwhelming. I was always street smart but my book smarts were average at best. I never got a scholarship or straight A's and I had to study my ass off to do well. Even when I did study, I didn't always particularly do that great. It took me two years to master College courses and realize you study the text book to do well.

I also had little to no idea what my major of study was going to be. The only reason I ended up there in the first place was because the other girls were doing it. The only reason I worked the jobs I landed was because that's just sort of how it all "happened". Nothing I had specifically planned or hoped for. I was finishing my first year of four and I was literally being forced to choose a major of study. I knew I had enjoyed Psychology courses so I chose that as my major. Then I'd overheard a friend of mine talk about this new double major I could do and a light bulb went off. "Good idea", I thought. "I'll do that too".

It was clear that I had no idea what I wanted or needed and had no direction, opinion or decision making skills but somehow, it all sort of "worked" out and things just ended up falling into place. Four long and hard years and I had a degree. It was time to go out into the real world and make money now. Again, I had no idea what I was going to do with my life so I randomly applied for any and every job posted at the time. I would eventually land something and it would open doors to new life experiences and a path of success and destruction.