Thursday, January 15, 2015

The Love Triangle - The Juggling and Balancing Act

For the next three years, I was admittedly with two men at once. I was with both my ex boyfriend and also my new long-distance boyfriend at the same time. I use the term "same time" and "boyfriend" here loosely. There was technically never "a same time" since one was local and was out of town. Also, in all due respect, they full well knew of one another.

I alternated between the two of them constantly and regularly. I would have a relationship locally with my ex and then would pick up and leave for weekends and holidays with my long-distance boyfriend too. Usually, when I was with one of them, the other was bombing my phone. There'd been times where my long-distance boyfriend became so incessant after I hadn't answered his phone calls for a few days that he got into his car and drove five hours to see me. On the flip side, there was a time where my long-distance boyfriend and I were spending a weekend together and my ex got drunk and went off on a whiny tirade of leaving me voicemail messages claiming to be driving drunk on the highway trying to find me. Obviously this was ridiculous since he had no idea where to find me once he found the city I was in.

Being with both of them at the same time eventually became overwhelming emotionally and mentally draining. Not only were they both relentlessly battling with me and themselves internally, they were in a battle with another that I couldn't stop. They both aggressively pursued me. They were both in some kind of arms race competition for my love and they were both relentless. I couldn't let either go though. They wouldn't fucking let me. No matter how hard I tried to push one away, they wouldn't allow it to happen.

My biggest problem was that I was in love with the both of them and both in different ways entirely. I loved my ex because we had history together. We grew up together. He was my first love and I was always going to be attached to him (so I thought). Mentally, he was tattooed in my head. However, on the flip side, my long-distance relationship was so fulfilling emotionally and sexually and it was impossible not to love him. He made me fall in love with him by no fault of his own. He was just such a good person. He was honest and kind and loving and affectionate. Nothing like what my ex was like. Although my ex boyfriend and had a connection, it wasn't nearly as affectionate or nurturing. He didn't take care of me. I felt a lot like my ex loved the way I loved him yet I loved the way my long-distance boyfriend loved ME.

Eventually the burden of the back and forth was too much for everyone. I found myself having to choose between the both of them more and more often and eventually it go to the point where my ex was completely hands off. Three years and he threw in the white towel. After years of trying and fighting, he had finally had enough. Our last few encounters were very emotionally driven and draining for him I think. I recall him telling me that sharing me was a "hard pill to swallow". Eventually he broke down and cried and begged as they had both frequently been doing already and that was that. He was finally out. I tried calling and texting and emailing him. I came to his house, knocked down his doors endlessly but that was it for him. We never spoke again and that was nearly a decade ago.

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