Saturday, January 10, 2015
The Teenage Years - My First Love - Part III
I had a guy friend who was my ex-boyfriends arch nemesis. My ex was so jealous and insecure about this guy but I was a dumb little girl and didn't understand the concept of "insecurity" until many, many years later.
A few months after losing my virginity, my guy friend offered to drive me to work one day. I never had this feeling before in my entire life. It was almost literally somewhat of a foreign concept to me. I knew what I was feeling and why, but I really realized I'd never felt that before in my entire life. That was the first time I ever recall feeling "bad" for something I had done. I felt remorse and I felt real guilt. It was so overwhelming because of my undying devotion and commitment to my boyfriend who I was madly and deeply in love with, that I had to come clean. I had done something so very wrong because there's no way I could feel something this strong and overpowering if it were anything else but wrong. I felt "guilty". What did I feel guilt and remorse for? I let a male friend drive me to work and I didn't tell my boyfriend about it.
Nine months into my "official" relationship with my boyfriend but about a year or so into the inseparable friendship and spending every waking moment together, unbeknownst to me, it was all about to come to an abrupt and bitter end.
One mid summer night, I just had date night with the love of my life. He dropped me off at home just in time to make my midnight curfew which I never broke and uttered the words I loved hearing before kissing me good night. "I love you" he said, before I left the car. "I love you too" I replied. The next day, it was business as usual, I would wake up earlier than him so he would always call me when he was up and awake mid-afternoon. We made plans like any other day. He picked me up but something was different. Something was wrong. It wasn't a long conversation I don't think and there weren't too many details but it was happening. He was breaking up with me. He said he thought we needed a break and that we just fought a bit too much. I will be honest when I say I don't recall any fights unless it was about an ex of his or his insecurities about my guy friend. Other than that, I thought everything was dandelions and candy colored corn with rose colored glasses on. I was entirely blind-sided. I hadn't ever seen this one coming. How could someone tell you they loved you not less than twenty hours ago and now they're telling you that they don't want to be with you any more? It made no sense.
I remember him walking me into my condo lobby and there a song playing on the radio to which I still cringe at every time I hear it now. The "break-up" song as I call it. We hugged in a long embrace and I remember thinking to ask if we could have sex one more time but didn't. And just like that, I was single.
The next day came and I waited for my morning phone call; still him speaking in his groggy half awake yet I'm still half asleep voice. But it never came. Then another day and another until a whole week had gone by and there was no contact. I was taking drivers ed courses during this time-frame every Saturday afternoon and I remember being so physically ailed, I was unable to eat a sandwich I had packed for lunch for myself. I realized at that moment in time that my whole life was about to change and nothing was ever going to be the same again.