Saturday, January 10, 2015

The Teenage Years - The Break-Up - Part II

Au natural. I spent the whole summer healing from a pain so massive it felt like the loss of a loved one. I couldn't attribute my sorrow and despair to anything else I had ever felt in my life with the exception of the loss of a grandparent four years prior. That pain was bad but it was on no comparable scale with regards to magnitude, length of time and impact to my mentally, emotionally, physically, physiologically and spiritually. This was a kind of "broken" I never even dare dreamed existed.

The school year began just after I had lost all my weight and had cried less than usual. It was the first time we would be seeing each other since the break-up. The day came and there he was. We made eye contact as he was coming in and I was going out and just like that, I ignored him. I turned my head and kept walking. I never looked back.

We ended up having a class together. It wasn't easy but I pretended like I didn't care and it didn't bother me; but it did. It killed me. I would do anything and everything possible to get his attention without talking to him or making any moves. Whether it was in class, at school or at some function. I made my presence and I always made it known. I befriended his friends and ex-girlfriend(s). I tried to manipulate any one he had contact with past and present just so I could keep tabs on him and be wherever he was without showing him how much I still cared and how badly I wanted to be noticed and wanted again.

I can't remember how long this went on but eventually we began to start "talking" again. We'd always pick up right where we left off. I would sleep over, we would hang out, a few weeks or months would go by and the cycle would start and end again. Some times it was weeks of "not talking" and then there were only "days". I think I remember there being a year (yes, a whole twelve months) of us "not talking" but whenever we did, it was like we never stopped.

I did my best to never call him and stay out his life because we never ever talked about getting back together or ever uttered the words "I love you" to each other again. It was never just sex though. In hindsight, I had realized it was really never ever ever even about sex. It was about "human contact", it was about "friendship" and it was about "connection". For me any way.

From the age of sixteen to the age of twenty three, I had never slept with any one other than my ex. He and I never spoke about "other people" during this time-period but we always maintained contact. Physically and emotionally. I realize now how stupid and naive I must've been to think he wasn't fucking other girls all those years. For me though, I never slept with anyone because not only was I obsessed with him and still madly, deeply in love with him, I was A-sexual again. I had zero interest in other people and I was always "dealing" with him in some way or another so maybe my ignorance always thought eventually he would just confess his undying love for me.

He knew he had complete and utter control over me in every and any way. Although he was smart and manipulative, he was never "dishonest". There were never any discussions about relationship commitments or getting back together. I always maintained contact whenever possible and would drop anything at any given moment to be with him but he never really took advantage of me. I was always a very willing participant in just about any of the sorted details of our years of what ended up being a very complicated relationship.

I was so insecure that he didn't love me anymore that I was petrified to ever say or do anything that would risk him telling me he didn't love me. So I never once told him that I loved him after we'd broken up or vice-versa. Not for about seven years any way.

One night, I was on a random date with some guy at a pizza parlor and low and behold, my ex walks right into the same restaurant as we were at. He and I had literally never once been to that place, that area or that restaurant together and it was entirely serendipitous that he caught me. I couldn't believe his reaction. His jealousy and insecurity was off the charts. I was actually pretty shocked about it to say the least. I had no idea anything of the sort would rattle him the way it did.

We weren't "together" and we were not "committed". We only intermittently communicated on his terms and times of interest and engagement. This relationship dynamic continued for several years. The "unofficial" so-called "on and off" romance of what we'd coined as "talking" and "not talking" continued for what seemed like forever.

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