Saturday, January 10, 2015

The Teenage Years - My First Love - Part II

We had been officially dating and committed for three months now and I quickly realized that I had never been in a relationship; really. I never really had "boyfriends" and had no concept or context to relate to as a baseline for what it meant to be a girlfriend and have a boyfriend.

I never realized how good being physically close and connected to someone could feel. I was falling fast and I was falling hard. Not only was I best friends with someone who I really liked and enjoyed, but we were doing things physically and emotionally that was mostly all foreign to me.

I don't remember how it happened now, although you'd think that being told "I love you" for the first time by a guy who you knew meant every word of it would be memorable. I do definitely remember not being the one to say it first but when I said it back, I fucking meant it. I'm surprised I don't remember every single detail of every single moment of every single day because I was seriously in love with this person and I knew it. Up until that point in my life, I recognized I didn't know what it meant to feel "love". Just just be "in love" but feel "love" for someone.

I knew I loved my family but this was different. I was in love, and this was very, very, very real. I never wanted to do something for someone so much until that point in my life. I would do anything and everything for this person. I consistently put him and his needs ahead of mine and it felt good. It felt so right and so very natural. I couldn't believe how altruistic and loving I could be to someone and vice-versa. It was magical. I was in love with my best friend and he was in love with me and things couldn't be better.

Three months into the relationship and one week after my sixteenth birthday, I was ready to "give it up". I was ready to lose my virginity. I knew he'd be the one and it couldn't have felt any more right or perfect with him. We'd already exchanged I love you's and fooled around in other ways. Now it was time to get my cherry popped. My mother was a huge proponent of "no sex before marriage" because she married my father at nineteen and he was her first. She prided herself on that and ensured that my sister and I knew about it. She was very stern in her "prude" moral code and I was a naive and immature teenager who lived in a bubble. Regardless, I figured this was close enough and had sex for the first time with the my first love. The love of my life; or so I thought.

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