Thursday, January 15, 2015

The Void

That void. That emotional void of emptiness which I never quite understood until just a few recent year ago. It didn't dawn on me that perhaps the only reason I was "so in love with" or "obsessed" with my ex as he and others liked to think I was, was because that's the only damn thing that felt good and whole; emotionally.

Between the constant hard partying with drugs, alcohol and sex, there was always something that drove me back there. No other man was able to enter that territory. It was by no means on purpose. Man after man after man and yet there was never any emotional attachment or investment to any one else except for my ex; who was always still in the picture and somewhere in the background during all these sorted rendezvous I had with other guys. 

He never knew about the others but he suspected it after our sex began to change drastically. I became even more open and dominating than I usually was and he could sense it. In return, I could sense his anxiety on the rise. He didn't like it. It was around this time that he'd started to complain about my constant partying, drinking and drug use. He was concerned about my heavy use of cocaine and thought I was developing a drug addiction. I assured him it was recreational. He really had little to no say over me. He wasn't my boyfriend and I wasn't well tamed.

It was around this time that I met two very memorable other men in my life. They both had a big impact in different ways.

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